bluephinYour Child and Your Partner
September 10th 2006 02:05
Its difficult juggling a relationship with the many commitments we modern day people have. Pitch a child into the mix and things get slightly more complicated.
Children, depending on their ages, will react differently to their mummy or daddy having a new partner. As a parent, you can control the situation by how you introduce your child to the new partner and the ground rules you put in place.
Here are some suggestions:
Before they meet
1) Make sure that the person you introduce your child to will be around for a while
In other words, don’t introduce them to someone you’ve only be seeing for two weeks. Children need stability and they can very quickly become attached to people. If the relationship breaks up, the child will have no understanding why and may believe it’s because their ‘friend’ doesn’t like them anymore.
2) Find out what their thoughts are on parenting
It helps if your ideas of parenting are similar to theirs. Significant differences in beliefs relating to child rearing can cause problems not only in your relationship, but also with the child themselves. Remember though that there are many different acceptable parenting methods and whilst you might not agree with some of their methods, it doesn’t necessarily make them wrong. Ultimately though, never lose sight that the child is yours and at the end of the day, it’s up to you to re-enforce your position as the child’s parent to both your partner and the child.
3) Talk to your partner about what you do and don’t feel comfortable with
If you don’t feel comfortable at this stage with your partner disciplining your child, tell them. If you want to see them interact with your child by playing a game of snap, for example, tell them. They are not going to know what is and isn’t acceptable if you don’t tell them. If they have had little exposure to children before, they may need some advice on what’s appropriate, what’s not and how to interact with a child.
The meeting
1) Plan the meeting in a public place & for a specified amount of time
The first meeting between your child and your partner should take place in a child friendly environment. This is important because your child won’t feel like they are on show, nor will they feel like they are required to interact with your partner. The reality is they may not feel comfortable to start with, so giving them an opportunity to run off and play then come back for a quick chat gives them a bit of control over the situation. A park or somewhere like McDonald’s is good for this. Even if your two favourite people really seemed to have hit it off, limit their first meeting to a couple of hours. Over time you can gradually increase this. It’s very important that your child does not feel that their time with mummy or daddy is being threatened by someone else.
2) Limit public displays of affection
At this point, your child really does not need to see you being groped by your partner. Limit affectionate moves to hand-holding, cuddling and ‘tame’ kissing. This will save you having to explain things that are not necessary at this point. You may find that your child will become jealous over the affectionate actions between you and your partner – include them in hugs and make sure you are openly affectionate with your child when your partner is around.
After they meet
1) Respect is key
Your child must respect your partner and likewise, your partner must respect your child. Any variations to this will need to be addressed immediately.
2) Make sure your partner experiences the good and not just the bad
Occasionally, new partners often take the role of the ‘baddie’ in parenting. A child might do something wrong and the parent might remark ‘best clean that up or ____ will be cranky!’. This does not put a positive slant on your partner’s role with your child. Similarly, if your partner disciplines your child, they should also make time to play with your child. No person has the right to routinely reprimand a child if they do not spend time encouraging the child. As a mum you experience the good and the bad, ensure your partner experiences them too.
3) Spend time alone with your child
It’s very important that you still have alone time with your child. Plan one afternoon a week where you and your child do something together, alone. It may be as simple as a board game or a trip to the ice cream shop. As with all child-parent relationships, they change and grow, just as your child will change and grow. Stay in touch with them by ensuring you continue to work on building a strong bond with them. If you feel comfortable with it, encourage your partner and child to spend time alone together as well. They also need time to allow their relationship to grow as they grow as individuals.
As with most relationship situations, open communication is the key to success. Talk to your partner about any parenting issues you’re having. Talk to your child about how they’re feeling in regards to the new person in your life. If need be, then find the time for yourself to talk to someone about the situation. Things might not run smoothly to start with but with perseverance and understanding a harmonious relationship between you, your child and your partner can be achieved.
Children, depending on their ages, will react differently to their mummy or daddy having a new partner. As a parent, you can control the situation by how you introduce your child to the new partner and the ground rules you put in place.
Here are some suggestions:
Before they meet
1) Make sure that the person you introduce your child to will be around for a while
In other words, don’t introduce them to someone you’ve only be seeing for two weeks. Children need stability and they can very quickly become attached to people. If the relationship breaks up, the child will have no understanding why and may believe it’s because their ‘friend’ doesn’t like them anymore.
2) Find out what their thoughts are on parenting
It helps if your ideas of parenting are similar to theirs. Significant differences in beliefs relating to child rearing can cause problems not only in your relationship, but also with the child themselves. Remember though that there are many different acceptable parenting methods and whilst you might not agree with some of their methods, it doesn’t necessarily make them wrong. Ultimately though, never lose sight that the child is yours and at the end of the day, it’s up to you to re-enforce your position as the child’s parent to both your partner and the child.
3) Talk to your partner about what you do and don’t feel comfortable with
If you don’t feel comfortable at this stage with your partner disciplining your child, tell them. If you want to see them interact with your child by playing a game of snap, for example, tell them. They are not going to know what is and isn’t acceptable if you don’t tell them. If they have had little exposure to children before, they may need some advice on what’s appropriate, what’s not and how to interact with a child.
The meeting
1) Plan the meeting in a public place & for a specified amount of time
The first meeting between your child and your partner should take place in a child friendly environment. This is important because your child won’t feel like they are on show, nor will they feel like they are required to interact with your partner. The reality is they may not feel comfortable to start with, so giving them an opportunity to run off and play then come back for a quick chat gives them a bit of control over the situation. A park or somewhere like McDonald’s is good for this. Even if your two favourite people really seemed to have hit it off, limit their first meeting to a couple of hours. Over time you can gradually increase this. It’s very important that your child does not feel that their time with mummy or daddy is being threatened by someone else.
2) Limit public displays of affection
At this point, your child really does not need to see you being groped by your partner. Limit affectionate moves to hand-holding, cuddling and ‘tame’ kissing. This will save you having to explain things that are not necessary at this point. You may find that your child will become jealous over the affectionate actions between you and your partner – include them in hugs and make sure you are openly affectionate with your child when your partner is around.
After they meet
1) Respect is key
Your child must respect your partner and likewise, your partner must respect your child. Any variations to this will need to be addressed immediately.
2) Make sure your partner experiences the good and not just the bad
Occasionally, new partners often take the role of the ‘baddie’ in parenting. A child might do something wrong and the parent might remark ‘best clean that up or ____ will be cranky!’. This does not put a positive slant on your partner’s role with your child. Similarly, if your partner disciplines your child, they should also make time to play with your child. No person has the right to routinely reprimand a child if they do not spend time encouraging the child. As a mum you experience the good and the bad, ensure your partner experiences them too.
3) Spend time alone with your child
It’s very important that you still have alone time with your child. Plan one afternoon a week where you and your child do something together, alone. It may be as simple as a board game or a trip to the ice cream shop. As with all child-parent relationships, they change and grow, just as your child will change and grow. Stay in touch with them by ensuring you continue to work on building a strong bond with them. If you feel comfortable with it, encourage your partner and child to spend time alone together as well. They also need time to allow their relationship to grow as they grow as individuals.
**********
As with most relationship situations, open communication is the key to success. Talk to your partner about any parenting issues you’re having. Talk to your child about how they’re feeling in regards to the new person in your life. If need be, then find the time for yourself to talk to someone about the situation. Things might not run smoothly to start with but with perseverance and understanding a harmonious relationship between you, your child and your partner can be achieved.
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Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
Comment by perfickcat
I believe in todays society apart from the odd revenge from nature on mankind, that there s no reason for births unless a child is really wanted and desired by both parties involved. Be it same sex couples or hetrosexual couples. I believe it is a selfish concept for a child to be conceived and brought into this world by a single parent. Realstically I don't believe all these suddenfailed partnerships either. With Australian Federal Governement offering $4000 baby bonus and then paying a bonus for immunisation, there is another breed of child being conceived for the purpose of raising revenue.
So with that in mind I suppose the comments above Ýour Child and Your Partner could be valid in that context? A baby should be a precious commodity of life, of an extension of a 'line', an extension of a couples love and devotion, not merely a money making exercise or plaything. Back in the early seventies and prior there was a class taken at High School that was called Mothercraft. The class enabled young women the opporunity to learn the basics of rearing a child. It was profound in providing an indepth overview of the responsibilities and the time consuming role of rearing children. The illnesses, the lifetime committment. Nowadays the preparation taken in the decision to have a child appears to ensure that the bank account is current for the funds to be deposited into.
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
2) Whilst I'm not denying the possibility that there are some children born to put dollars into a bank account - I doubt that it is as wide spread an empidemic as you suggest. Regardless, this blog isn't here to berate parents for the reasons they have a child, nor is it here to act as the 'be all and end all guide book' for parent hood. Perhaps if you have issues regarding the amount of the baby bonus and other governmnent funded payments you should attack the person responsible - the government.
Besides, kids cost a hell of a lot more to raise than a lump sum payment of $4000.
3) These people who are having babies for the reasons you've suggested - well I think they would benefit from positive encouragement to be the best parent they can be as opposed to cyncism and rejection by society.
4) It's a fact of life today that there are many single parents out there. Be it that they decided to have a baby on their own, or a marriage has failed for whatever reason. Regardless of the reason, the parent has a right to move on with their life.
All the comments in this post are valid in any context relating to any single parent out there (regardless of the reason as to why they are a single parent).
Comment by Ahmed
techy.Bytes
Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks
Qwerk
Cinema Three
Come the day I get married I will never accept divorce if I have kids.. never I say! Just feels like a lot of stress for a young person to go through...
Comment by Cinico
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Comment by Ahmed
techy.Bytes
Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks
Qwerk
Cinema Three
Well honestly if I was that old and my Mum broke up with my dad and went off to find someone else I don't really think I would have taken it very well at all. I'd probably have prefered her to stay single forever and ever and if she did get married to someone else I'd probably prefer to live with my dad at that point, and if he got married to someone else...
Well I'm just glad it didn't happen to me then. I was always greedy as a child...
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
Everyone should be serious about having a happy relationship before contemplating children, I wasn't suggesting otherwise. It's just unfortunate that relationships at times do not work out.
A lot of kids go through feelings of resentment towards the new partner - it's only natural, I went through it when my parents divorced and mum re-partnered. I was lucky enough though that my step-dad is an awesome human being.
It's natural for an adult to want to meet someone else but they also need to minimise any negative impact it may cause on the child's life.
Comment by Little Angry Doll
Falling Haiku Leaf
Comment by Ahmed
techy.Bytes
Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks
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Cinema Three
I mean preventing is better than curing, the problem is that either people don't know how to sustain a long relationship or they simply can't yet it seems all the ideas of love and happiness get to them first and they have children...
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
I couldn't agree more that how society views relationships has changed significantly from when our grandparents were children.
Regardless of the divorce rate etc, there'd still be single parents out there, through no fault of their own. A widow is a single parent. Should they shut themselves off from relationships until the child has left home?
Comment by Ahmed
techy.Bytes
Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks
Qwerk
Cinema Three
There should be atleast a 90% success rate in marriage. I think ideally it should be 99%. I know I'm probably a dreamer, but I think a lot of other people are in regards to marriage.
It seems like the idea of it being love and all makes it magical when its not, its really a physical thing two people have to get themselves through it, for better or worse. My Year 12 English teacher said that its quite ossibly because pepole lack comitment, that love is binding and even if the flare is lost two people should stay together because all the pish posh is bound to end sometime...
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
Comment by Little Angry Doll
Falling Haiku Leaf
Sometimes it's almost paralysing for mum's of littlies to get back out there.
And was I ever negative? I was just being silly with the "monsters". I don't really taunt my child with "Can you hear 'It' breathing?"
It's an old Gary Larson (The Far Side) comment.
Comment by Ahmed
techy.Bytes
Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks
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Cinema Three
I'm one of those guys who thinks its all the medias fault, I dunno how accurate it may be but thats the only real thing thats changing in our lives. You see it in movies like 'mask of zorro' and stuff...
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
It is paralysing, been there and done that! A relationship break up can be so taxing on your self esteem that you often think you're better off at home on your own.
My belief is that to be the best parent you can be, you need to be happy with your life and if that means repartnering then so be it!
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
Definately, the media would play a part though.
Comment by Ahmed
techy.Bytes
Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks
Qwerk
Cinema Three
Right now honestly I think its like 80% of the cause really...
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
I think in some respects it is too easy to get a divorce, or to leave your partner.
I believe they should bring in some form of compulsory marriage counselling or pre-child rearing counselling.
Frankly though, whilst I agree that the decline in relationship success is alarming, it doesn't mean that if a relationship breaks up that a parent is a bad parent or had the child for the wrong reasons.
Comment by Johanna
PCOS Mum
Obviously in an ideal world this wouldn't be an issue and everyone would stay together happily forever. Since we don't live in this world we have to be realistic and children are too important to be forced to like a situation without understanding it fully.
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
Comment by Cibbuano
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Cinico - send me a message with your email address please!
Comment by Penster70
Infertility
Smoking
Let's also not forget a big no no...don't send messages via the child between separated parents. Positive messages maybe acceptable on the odd occasion but children should never be used as a go between.
It was probably "mothercraft" parenting classes in the 70's aimed only at women that have helped to increase the divorce rate. These classes do not serve to teach foundations for a happy EQUAL relationship with EQUAL responsibility for the child and it's puts the onus on the mother(bet there weren't any men in these classes as they were all probably doing metalwork or science at the time). Nor does it encourage the mother to feel like a rounded individual, rather it would reinforce her role existing whollyfor the needs of their children. This is one of the reasons that women became dissatisfied with their marriage.
My husband and I have decided that if we have children he would stay at home as he is much more suited to parenting, he has done it before and I have a wonderful 12 year old step-son, his temperament is much more relaxed than mine and I earn more money so can better provide for our family
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
The Mothercraft classes were a bit before my time but I think the point of what they stood for is evident in the title - MOTHERcraft, perhaps we need something entitled PARENTcraft instead!
Good on you for not subjecting yourselves to society's ideals of the perfect family (ie. mum stays home, dad goes to work). I think that's absolutely fantastic!
Comment by Johanna
PCOS Mum
It works out well for the three of us!
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
The key is, as you said, to do what works! I think it's fantastic that people are beginning to realise that the parenting methods back in 'the day' are not necessarily the only correct way to raise a child.
Comment by Penster70
Infertility
Smoking
One of the reasons I married the man is because of his nurturing and sensitive qualities.
So I thank you, heaps, for your supportive comments on this. I hope the message "what works for you" and "choice" eventually becomes the accepted norm, so that our decisions about our families are not scrutinised and put under the spotlight when they don't conform to the general consensus
Of course, this is provided we are lucky enough to have children in the future...fingers and toes and crossed
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
As I've said on another post, it's not the amount of time you spend with your child, it's the quality of the time you spend with them that truly counts.
Comment by LauraP
Comment by Ahmed
techy.Bytes
Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks
Qwerk
Cinema Three
Comment by LauraP
"Come the day I get married I will never accept divorce if I have kids.. never I say! "
I could have easily written those words 10 years ago. But I got divorced, with kids. I didn't want this. I would have done anything to NOT get divorced. I had no say in the matter.
Comment by Ahmed
techy.Bytes
Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks
Qwerk
Cinema Three
Comment by LauraP
I had the same thoughts as you.. and got divorced anyway.
Comment by Ahmed
techy.Bytes
Video Gamer Kids
Little Green Foosballs
PolyKicks
Qwerk
Cinema Three