bluephin5 Parenting Simulation Tests
August 25th 2006 07:00
This simulation requires no pen or paper (crayons and walls will be necessary though) nor does it require state of the art, NASA developed technology.
Test No. 1
Obtain a rainbow assortment of crayons and walk into your lounge room. Move into a sitting or kneeling position and proceed to scribble all over the lounge room wall. Don’t hold back – let your hair down, put a dot over there, and a dot over here, put lots of little dots in the air, everywhere! Don’t worry if you can’t draw very well, it’s all about living in the moment. Wait half an hour then collect a sponge and some warm water, kneel or sit and scrub, scrub, scrub. It should only take you about an hour to clean and the only testament to it being there in the first place will be your sore back, knees and arms.
Test No. 2
Make yourself a nice big bowl of porridge. Add some golden syrup, sugar or honey – whichever gets your taste buds going. Take your bowl and a spoon and go and sit at the dining room table. Insert the first spoonful of porridge into your mouth BUT do not swallow. Instead, screw your face up and spit the porridge out aiming anywhere but at the bowl. Don’t forget to say ‘blaaaaaaaa’ with gusto. Now scoop up another spoonful of porridge and gleefully flick it at anything or anyone in the room. Continue until the bowl is scraped spotless. Don’t forget to clean up.
Test No. 3
For the next month, every week that you go shopping add the following things to your grocery list:
Baby Formula
Nappies
Baby Wipes
Baby Food
Your bill should increase by about $50-$60 – you may need to cancel your movie plans for the weekend.
Test No. 4
Place objects all over the floors in the lounge room, spare bedroom and dining room. Attempt to dodge them but occasionally allow yourself to ‘accidentally’ stand on one. To really make the simulation life like – twist your ankle.
Test No. 5
You’ll need three people for this test – your partner and a friend (if necessary, get your mind out of the dirt sullied gutter). You and your partner should position yourselves in your bedroom with the door closed. Begin ‘getting intimate’ with your partner. After five minutes your friend will begin banging on the door and calling out either ‘Mummy’ or ‘Daddy’. Stop what you’re doing and go and ‘chastise’ your friend. Walk back into the bedroom and repeat the process at least two more times.
If you can manage to participate in the five simulation tests with minimal stress or anger levels, then by all means proceed with the baby making plans!
Test No. 1
Obtain a rainbow assortment of crayons and walk into your lounge room. Move into a sitting or kneeling position and proceed to scribble all over the lounge room wall. Don’t hold back – let your hair down, put a dot over there, and a dot over here, put lots of little dots in the air, everywhere! Don’t worry if you can’t draw very well, it’s all about living in the moment. Wait half an hour then collect a sponge and some warm water, kneel or sit and scrub, scrub, scrub. It should only take you about an hour to clean and the only testament to it being there in the first place will be your sore back, knees and arms.
Test No. 2
Make yourself a nice big bowl of porridge. Add some golden syrup, sugar or honey – whichever gets your taste buds going. Take your bowl and a spoon and go and sit at the dining room table. Insert the first spoonful of porridge into your mouth BUT do not swallow. Instead, screw your face up and spit the porridge out aiming anywhere but at the bowl. Don’t forget to say ‘blaaaaaaaa’ with gusto. Now scoop up another spoonful of porridge and gleefully flick it at anything or anyone in the room. Continue until the bowl is scraped spotless. Don’t forget to clean up.
Test No. 3
For the next month, every week that you go shopping add the following things to your grocery list:
They're not always this happy
Nappies
Baby Wipes
Baby Food
Your bill should increase by about $50-$60 – you may need to cancel your movie plans for the weekend.
Test No. 4
Place objects all over the floors in the lounge room, spare bedroom and dining room. Attempt to dodge them but occasionally allow yourself to ‘accidentally’ stand on one. To really make the simulation life like – twist your ankle.
Test No. 5
You’ll need three people for this test – your partner and a friend (if necessary, get your mind out of the dirt sullied gutter). You and your partner should position yourselves in your bedroom with the door closed. Begin ‘getting intimate’ with your partner. After five minutes your friend will begin banging on the door and calling out either ‘Mummy’ or ‘Daddy’. Stop what you’re doing and go and ‘chastise’ your friend. Walk back into the bedroom and repeat the process at least two more times.
If you can manage to participate in the five simulation tests with minimal stress or anger levels, then by all means proceed with the baby making plans!
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