bluephinAsperger's Child - The Day Jack Flapped
September 19th 2006 10:16
I knew there was something different about my child when he started flapping at me. Up until then I’d put his little quirks down to his developing personality and individuality. Looking back I was probably in denial, not wanting to acknowledge that my child was less than perfect. However, when his Kindergarten teacher started expressing her concerns about his development I realized I could no longer continue to hide behind a wall of ignorance.
While I waited for a diagnosis I had to write down everything I could remember about my son’s birth and toddler years. Sifting through photo’s and baby albums I covered five years of precious and irreplaceable memories, squeezing them onto an A4 piece of paper. The first time he smiled, the first tooth, the first step. They were all memories that every parent relives with a fond smile and quiet tear at how quickly time passes.
Then there were the memories that baffled me. His obsession with shutting doors, the hatred of hats on his head, the tantrums for no apparent reason. His fear of the vacuum cleaner, the hair dryer and washing machine. Many different traits emerged as he grew and developed. Each one was as mystifying as the last but none of them made me love him any less.
Of all his idiosyncrasies the one that touched me the most was the flapping. The first time he flapped was at four. This was the age at which he truly began to shine and the age at which I sub-consciously realized that my child was different. He would sit for hours drawing – the same picture over and over again. When he had perfected that picture then he would start another – over and over again until it reflected what he saw in his mind’s eye.
‘Mummy, see, see. What did I draw?’ His excited voice would shrill in my ear as he waved a piece of paper in front of my face.
Taking it from him I would look at the picture and oh, so carefully, guess at what it was. The wrong answer could send him into a melt down. If I gave the right answer then I would be rewarded with a grin that would make even the unhappiest person smile.
On one Sunday it had been raining outside so indoor play was how we had whittled away the hours. He’d done drawing after drawing, each one painstakingly etched with his lead pencil. He came up to me with one of his finished products, a boat sailing on the water. Inside it sat a little boy with a fishing rod, the line cast out to sea.
‘It’s a boat Jack, who’s the little boy?’ I asked as I breathed a sigh of relief that today at least there would be no tantrum because I guessed wrong. I waited for his excited grin; instead I witnessed something that he had never done before.
Not answering my question, he stood in front of me, eyes averted, a grin on his face. Then suddenly he raised his hands and began flapping them, like a bird trying to take off from the ground. At the same time, he opened his mount and panted, the action reminding me of a dog waiting for a treat from its’ master.
I sat there dumbfounded. I just could not comprehend what he was doing, but I knew it wasn’t normal. I grabbed his hands and held them in mine, in an effort to stop them from waving back and forth, back and forth. But when I did so, he began to cry, the tears streaming from his beautiful brown eyes. He screamed his nose pressed again mine, his face red and wet. Looking back now, I get so angry with myself. I’d tried to stop my son from being himself.
Now when he flaps, though at times I find it distressing, I let him go. The movement reminds me of a colourful, bright bird, flapping its’ wings as it tries to escape from its wire prison. One day, I hope Jack escapes from the gilded cage he lives in, but if he never does I’ll be content with knowing that he is happy there.
While I waited for a diagnosis I had to write down everything I could remember about my son’s birth and toddler years. Sifting through photo’s and baby albums I covered five years of precious and irreplaceable memories, squeezing them onto an A4 piece of paper. The first time he smiled, the first tooth, the first step. They were all memories that every parent relives with a fond smile and quiet tear at how quickly time passes.
Jack loves to draw people
Then there were the memories that baffled me. His obsession with shutting doors, the hatred of hats on his head, the tantrums for no apparent reason. His fear of the vacuum cleaner, the hair dryer and washing machine. Many different traits emerged as he grew and developed. Each one was as mystifying as the last but none of them made me love him any less.
Of all his idiosyncrasies the one that touched me the most was the flapping. The first time he flapped was at four. This was the age at which he truly began to shine and the age at which I sub-consciously realized that my child was different. He would sit for hours drawing – the same picture over and over again. When he had perfected that picture then he would start another – over and over again until it reflected what he saw in his mind’s eye.
One of Jack's paintings
‘Mummy, see, see. What did I draw?’ His excited voice would shrill in my ear as he waved a piece of paper in front of my face.
Taking it from him I would look at the picture and oh, so carefully, guess at what it was. The wrong answer could send him into a melt down. If I gave the right answer then I would be rewarded with a grin that would make even the unhappiest person smile.
On one Sunday it had been raining outside so indoor play was how we had whittled away the hours. He’d done drawing after drawing, each one painstakingly etched with his lead pencil. He came up to me with one of his finished products, a boat sailing on the water. Inside it sat a little boy with a fishing rod, the line cast out to sea.
‘It’s a boat Jack, who’s the little boy?’ I asked as I breathed a sigh of relief that today at least there would be no tantrum because I guessed wrong. I waited for his excited grin; instead I witnessed something that he had never done before.
Not answering my question, he stood in front of me, eyes averted, a grin on his face. Then suddenly he raised his hands and began flapping them, like a bird trying to take off from the ground. At the same time, he opened his mount and panted, the action reminding me of a dog waiting for a treat from its’ master.
I sat there dumbfounded. I just could not comprehend what he was doing, but I knew it wasn’t normal. I grabbed his hands and held them in mine, in an effort to stop them from waving back and forth, back and forth. But when I did so, he began to cry, the tears streaming from his beautiful brown eyes. He screamed his nose pressed again mine, his face red and wet. Looking back now, I get so angry with myself. I’d tried to stop my son from being himself.
Now when he flaps, though at times I find it distressing, I let him go. The movement reminds me of a colourful, bright bird, flapping its’ wings as it tries to escape from its wire prison. One day, I hope Jack escapes from the gilded cage he lives in, but if he never does I’ll be content with knowing that he is happy there.
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Comment by Angry Little Doll
Cinico, this has got to be the most touching post I've ever read.
Children can be so intense that as parents, we tend to dismiss obsessive traits as idiosyncratic behaviour. But here is certainly a moment when a bell rings in your head and you know that there is something wrong. And that's so hard a place to enter.
Wow.
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
Thanks for dropping by!
Comment by Adrian
Philosophy Blog
This was a touching bit:
"Taking it from him I would look at the picture and oh, so carefully, guess at what it was. The wrong answer could send him into a melt down. If I gave the right answer then I would be rewarded with a grin that would make even the unhappiest person smile."
Incidentally, are there any special times when he flaps? Is it when he's particularly happy?
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
Thanks for your comment.
Jack flaps when he is distressed (out of his 'comfort zone'), angry and when he's excited.
Eg. I'll tell him we're going to the movies and he'll flap so much that I swear he's going to take off!
He'll often flap when he's being praised as well.
It acts as a good indicator for me to pick up on when he is particularly happy or feeling very low.
Comment by Fingertip Titans Unite
Idiots Among Us
Fingertip Titans
Comment by Cinico
Small Business Scope
Thanks for your comment.
He is precious, but then so are all children! You've definately got your hands full with a 2 yr old and a 2 month old!
Definately have a big mummy bear - though I call it the 'crocodile' because I tend to snap more than growl! People who don't know Jack often make comments on his behaviour, like the hand flapping and panting, some people can actually be quite rude. It's amazing how people think they have a right to come up to your child and say 'son, you're too old to that - you're not a baby', and of course Jack doesn't understand and you can see the hurt on his face. I feel like slapping some sense into some people but really it's just a lack of knowledge and we've all been guilty of that!
Comment by Anonymous
It's very scary, but I always remember that the diagnosis is only part of who he is. I love him to pieces, and he is a delight. I wish you both the best upon your journey.
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Becky
For seven years my child I suspect has been struggling with mild aspergers and flapping....oh the flapping...Yes!! Every time she gets excited or she is using her imagination those hands flap like a bird. Even when I'm in another room I hear the hands flapping against a book as she makes up her own story and pretends it's in the "real" book !
Her headmaster tried to hold her hands down like trapping a bird's wings, told her off, teacher too, and now some nasty children say "noone likes you because you flap all the time".
I came home crying yesterday but reading your description of your beautiful son has given me hope.
It sounds just like my Ruby, she draws Mary Queen Of Scots over and over, getting the collars and veils right !!
Thankyou xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx
It may take at least 3 months to see a paedaetrician, but I feel safe having read your message.
Comment by Anonymous
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Comment by Tea_Time
I also have a Michael (was 6 in March 2008) who hand flaps and so I have found these posts fascinating. His diagnosis is 'global developmental delay' which means they don't know. He's settled into school now (last year was awful as he wasn't ready and behaved very badly) and as he has a 'Statement', in the UK system he has 1 to 1 support all day. However he has progressed amazingly in so many ways that I hope he will eventually lose the 'delay' label.
The hand flapping is one symptom that shows him up as different though. He does it when he's excited and happy, for example when he's telling his favourite story, or he's thinking about something he loves doing. I so empathise with the mum who felt awful for stopping her child doing this - I have never stopped him but I have been in situations where I don't know whether to shield him from the world or shield the world from him (the last sounds so ridiculous and it is but it's how you feel when you know other people will find his behaviour hard to cope with). I suppose I'm still struggling to come to terms with it and find my courage to defend him at all costs.
Comment by Anonymous
I love Ruby's hand flapping, I miss it when she's at school. She also taps excitedly on her books when reading. I just find it hard to believe that it wasn't diagnosed earlier and she had to go through teasing and being told not to flap. She said being told not to flap is like telling a bird not to fly!
She loves looking at pictures of places from the sky/aerial views, so she is my little bird and she makes me laugh as she is a great mimic as she absorbs so much around her.